Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
i like to flex on them by shrugging
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie