me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
(Musicians.)
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Oops I deleted….
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
some things should go without saying
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.