me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there鈥檚 not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can鈥檛 catch a break.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I鈥橫 AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren鈥檛 you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I鈥檓 sleepIng.
Me: you鈥檙e kind of creepy at night.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
you have three unread messages
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.