Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My work here is don’t.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.