me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky