Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
58.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.