Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
No, YOUR illiterate.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I had to Stop for this
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.