Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: *Writes joke, google searches to make sure it hasn’t been tweeted before*
Google: “Here are some suggestions for therapists in your area”
You Might Also Like
I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!