@Parentpains

Me: *Writes joke, google searches to make sure it hasn’t been tweeted before*

Google: “Here are some suggestions for therapists in your area”

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@Tacet_no_more

I wonder if anyone being chased by a bear has ever tried just turning around and saying in a really stern voice “NO…Bad Bear”?

@SladeWentworth

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@nedprice

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

@rolldiggity

Why crush your kid’s imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy “doesn’t exist” when you can just have her leave a suicide note?

@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@CAshmanActor

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!