@Parkerlawyer

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

You Might Also Like

@BunAndLeggings

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

@amyis_trying

twitter is like if every 20 minutes a clown kicked your door open and and yelled, “WELL IT GOT WEIRDER”

@mrsmith196645

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

@kristiffy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

@AndrewNadeau0

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

@yonewt

This town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

@TheHyyyype

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

@goeatcake

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”