Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.


twitter is like if every 20 minutes a clown kicked your door open and and yelled, “WELL IT GOT WEIRDER”


Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.


Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.


Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.


BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?


This town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.


vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick


[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”