Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
🤣🤣🤣
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th