Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours