@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

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@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

@murrman5

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

@ryaninco

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@pharmasean

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@Its_Just_Reese

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly