Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You Might Also Like
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Bond. Trauma bond.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.