@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

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@fro_vo

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.

@McClaneJohn2

I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.

@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours