Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.