Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*replies to all sexy dms with pics of my laundry pile
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.
I just managed to eat a bag of chips without waking the dog like some kinda ninja.
How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:
“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”
End of the movie: both sobbing
God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours