Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…