Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Oh no
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?