I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car
my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot
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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Twitter is a beautiful place sometimes.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.