@ch000ch

me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car

my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot

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@CrissieC

I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.

@PleaseBeGneiss

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

@PatsATweetin

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

@LeftAtLondon

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@PhilJamesson

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.