me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car

my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot

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I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.


TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again


Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges


Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”


Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex



My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited


Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?


You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.