It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
are there any atheist mantises?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.