My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Plant care tips
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
guys I’m going home
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.