@WaxDragonflies

Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.

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@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

@thatdutchperson

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

@AndyAsAdjective

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@daneZie

How to fall down stairs
Step 1
Step 6
Step 7,8,9,11

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

@Tmoney68

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

@HatfieldAnne

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

@Tmoney68

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef