Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??
17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.
Me- go to your room.
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
How to fall down stairs
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Me, at my organ recital.
(Not even slightly sorry)
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef