Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
no!! no!!!!!!
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.