Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm
Lawyer: how high could u raise it before
Me:*raises arm over head* like this high
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Where does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants