My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
meow
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.