me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.