@Peauxtassium

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

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@MisterBombay

Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people

@BoogTweets

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

@monks_19

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

@CherBear162

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

@MyMomologue

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.

@anerdonfire2

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

@Divergentmama

My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house