Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.