Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
You Might Also Like
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
This dude got his own movie?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
hey, alexa
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose