@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

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@brideylee

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@underchilde

Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions

@SocialExtortion

How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
3-lift gently
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here

@ThaJawn

Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..

Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*

@sixfootcandy

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

@Bob_Heller

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

@BGH70

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.