me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.


tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister


I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.


*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”



Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”


[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific


grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road


For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.

It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.


My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses