me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”


If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.


Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions


How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
3-lift gently
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here


Her: Oh no, I’ve lost my jacket..

Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows*


I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.


*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.