I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
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tornados have been around forever, so just imagine millions of years ago a brontosaurus was flailing around in a twister
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*
“Where you going?”
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again
me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road
For #ValentinesDay2020 here’s what is considered to be the world’s oldest love poem, ‘The Caveman’s Lament’.
It is believed to have been written around 1.5 million years ago by a member of the early human species, homo unrequitus.
I leave my milk for 5 minutes…
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses