me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.