me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
🛁
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again