The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
[Lays on floor]
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*