@thatdutchperson

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

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@SlabBaconBP

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

@LizHackett

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

@brennadine

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@MartaEffing

I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

@flashember

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin