Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”