The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit