ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When ur friends with white people
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.