Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
A fake ID that makes you younger
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks