@JayCee302

Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::

You Might Also Like

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@TheHarmonster

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

@daemonic3

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!