Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything
Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her
Bartender: Oh yeah?
Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th
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The symmetry is uncanny.
if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Only Asian parents will shout at you for buying them a present
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!