@roostermustache

Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer

Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit

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@Gupton68

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

@theshamingofjay

Cop: did you do it?
Me: no
Cop: you know it’s truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it’s actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who’s your crush then

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@Yung40Ounce

*Gets pulled over by cop*

“Papers?”

“Scissors”

*Cop removes glasses*

“Rocks?”

*Both start successful trap house*

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.

@_MoonWinx_

32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?

@JeremyKCMO

As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.

@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.