You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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asked my bf how work was today
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The French cow says MEUX…
Bill is short for Billiam
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet