*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer
Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
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Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Cop: did you do it?
Cop: you know it’s truthful Tuesday right?
Me: it’s actually Wednesday
Cop: damn it, who’s your crush then
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*Gets pulled over by cop*
*Cop removes glasses*
*Both start successful trap house*
I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.
I don’t have kids, did I do that right?
As a 37 year old man, I feel like I should know how to spell Febuary.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.