My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My last name is Zilla.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!