me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

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“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”


Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot


Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”



Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.


I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.


[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music


Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…


Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.


“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven