@GrantTanaka

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

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@nPhelendriqal

“I’ll have what she’s having.”
” Sir, this is a gynecolo-”
“Shhhh.. *puts finger over Dr’s lips* I said I’ll have what she’s having.”

@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

@ValeeGrrl

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

@TheRealRHB

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@breeinthestee

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven