Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!
Baby spy: *covers face with hands*
Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Goes to church to find God’s love. Friendzoned.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire