me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.