ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Incredible customer service.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜