Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
You Might Also Like
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”