Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.