@JerpsBerps

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

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@jackiembouvier

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

@dulcetry

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

@iGreenGod

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

@donni

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

@AndyAsAdjective

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward