@mommajessiec
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
@JerpsBerps
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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@mommajessiec
@scorpicpanda
Me: “OMG, my abs are so sore!”
12: (sarcastically) “What abs?”
Me: “The abs hiding under this protective layer of you’re grounded.”
@EveInFlow
This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.
@fjamie013
@GingerAtLaw
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
@JohnLyonTweets
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
@Shade510
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
@ObscureGent
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
@ericsshadow
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
@jazz_inmypants
person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving
person 2: don’t tell me what to do
[later]
person 2: *dies skydiving*
person 1: I hate to say it but—
person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE