Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
This kid is going places
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.