@jackiembouvier
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
@JerpsBerps
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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@jackiembouvier
@dulcetry
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
@Cheeseboy22
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
@PleaseBeGneiss
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
@iGreenGod
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
@donni
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
@Marlebean
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
@0000seapea808
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
@AndyAsAdjective
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
@MrSpoonicorn
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward