@3dog101

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

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@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

@CantWaitToNap

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

@tsm560

Look lady I don’t need yours or anybody’s help in looking foolish okay?

@thesulk

“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

@LegoGodzilla

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

@astutenewf

*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.