Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Name this drama.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
how to market bottled water to dads
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix