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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.


Do you think a gooses car horn is just a human saying “honk”?


Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on


Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.


In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.


First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*


Every horse movie ever: people don’t think this horse can go fast but it do. it go real fast


My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..


ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?