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@heymonroe

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@NikiWithIssues

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

@thepaulahunt

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

@NervousJr

Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re

@MKupperman

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

@DrThanatos

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

@FatherWithTwins

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.