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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.


Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.


Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re


Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.


The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.


Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.