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@causticbob

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

@Royal_Stein

Do you think a gooses car horn is just a human saying “honk”?

@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@Nyx422

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

@rudy_mustang

Every horse movie ever: people don’t think this horse can go fast but it do. it go real fast

@alwayzintruble

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?