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@johntabin

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

@GingerHotDish

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@wesjohnson8

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

@HatfieldAnne

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son