If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Guy who likes music
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine