Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
A seahorse walks into a bar and dies immediately.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son