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@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

@954LeenO

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

@dafloydsta

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

@ThisOneSayz

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

@Classy_Cassy89

45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

@copymama

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

@lifecoachfit

Him: I hope you die a slow painful death

Me: oh, no I’m not married

@Emma_Oh_

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

@beefman138

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.