Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Is your wife single?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”