Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.