dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[brainstorming movie scripts]
WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
*Pops up from the backseat as you’re driving*
*Duct tapes your neck to the head rest*
Now, why are you telling people I’m crazy?!!
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it