Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins

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What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?


The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.


When people say they did something “like a boss” I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?


wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?


I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.