Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Cheer up.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you