me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.


This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics


husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL


If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.


To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?


Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.


I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.


At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.


Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.


I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.