@Cycloptomese

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

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@Tbone7219

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@R_2_PEE_2

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@citizenkawala

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

@lmegordon

At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

@AlexSourGraps

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.