Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

You Might Also Like


ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend


someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.


Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was


A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.


What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?


Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.


I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..


Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive