@lloydrang

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

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@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@bonesher

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

@DeadLioness

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@JT_IV_

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@protolalia

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

@Feisty___One

I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..

@ryanaboyd

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive