Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.


I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.


gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better


her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia


There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.


How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff


I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.