Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
prepare for carbonated trouble
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?