@Social_Mime

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

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@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@WilliamAder

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

@mydmac

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@surrealvehicle

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

@sarcasticmommy4

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

@dorsalstream

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.