I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.