@PoodleSnarf

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

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@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

@Adar79Angie

Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.

@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

@mexinonblonde

“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@danjan13

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

@AmishPornStar1

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

@KeetPotato

“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”

@BestestNerdDad

When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.