Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”



Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.


We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.


“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude


My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen


My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.


“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”


When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.