Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.