Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

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….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.


“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.


Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to


Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.


[The Matrix, dog version]

Dog Morpheus: Take the grey pill, the story ends but if you take the grey pill I’ll show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes

Dog Neo: *Already eaten both pills* RABBITS?!


Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no


Oh, you’re an early riser?
Have kids?
A farm?
Medical condition?


Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS