Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it