Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode


Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!


Hub:…his dream, not mine


Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats


Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…


Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”


Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.


I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.


sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go


Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.


A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.