@BoogTweets

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

You Might Also Like

@GirlCode

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…

@Disfordilaudid

Everytime I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator:

“18 to life man, I know it smells good. Stay focused.”

@Eric_Bader

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

@mrjohndarby

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

@DurtMcHurtt

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

@thejayroyal

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.