Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

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Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?


[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.


Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.


Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?


My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.


I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?


I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.


Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons