I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.
Me: *stabs fork into eye*
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if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.