@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

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@CrockettForReal

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

@TweetPotato314

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@AngelaEhh

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@CantWaitToNap

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@DBMaxP

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons