@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

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@Big_Cat74

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

@Reverend_Scott

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

@badbanana

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

@Home_Halfway

Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.