Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.