@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

You Might Also Like

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@oxygenplug

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

@geekysteven

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

@mikhailsen1

If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

@WheelTod

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

@rolldiggity

1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

@LoveNLunchmeat

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.